Beautiful Slash Hard Growth

It has been unbelievable what I've gone through these past few months, and though most of it I hate and wish I didn't have to endure, I am seeing the beauty and good things among it all.  Yes I've had yet another hard break up, and yes I put up a good fight, but I'm coming to peace with it and starting to see there really might be someone better and that God has it all under control.  And that is a good thing, that I'm not in control.  God knows I would have made some lame choices and be regretting them right about now had I been in control, so for that I'm thankful.  He is sovereign and good and loves us all so deeply. I'm learning to find my joy/contentment and wholeness in him in a new way and it feels good.  I'm learning to find joy in things other than my significant other (as silly as it might sound).  I realized today that everyone has one thing they are obsessed with or super passionate about, and tho that's not bad in its self, if its not living whole heartedly for Christ it can't be ultimately fulfilling.  So that is my goal and prayer, and I'll be honest its hard to lay down my desires and genuinely live like Christ is the only one who truly fulfills.  I know it to be true but there are so many other things begging for my attention that I so often forget, or ignore that still small voice.  

I did however have a really neat experience (regarding men) the other day that felt really healing for me.  I met someone who blew my last boyfriend out of the water, and made me realize there ARE other men out there, and in fact maybe even a better fit than Matt. It was super comforting, even though nothing will probably come of it, it was a symbol of something greater to me and for that I am so so grateful.  

I'm done with another quarter of school! It feels so nice to be on break and not have any lingering homework.  The only thing is my teacher/class was a nightmare and I may not actually pass the class which will in turn cancel my financial aid and put me behind yet again, but I'm praying I just pass or they approve my appeal so I can continue.

I also just found out my roommate wants me to move out! Who gets dumped by their roommate?! I swear I'm a good roommate! I think it just wasn't the best fit, but man moving was the last thing I needed at this point in my life... I'm just hoping I find an even better situation and it all works out for the best..

Phew! I didn't even get to finish but I'm exhausted suddenly! To be continued.. Thanks for reading everyone :)

Life Without

Well, the good news is I'm feeling happier and more optimistic :) But I had this realization yesterday while shopping at Target that I had gotten used to life without many things, including extra money.  I used to frequent Target and buy stuff I probably really didn't need, but when my financial aid got cancelled a few months ago I suddenly was barely making ends meet and definitely couldn't afford "luxuries" I'd grown accustomed to.  But I finally got financial aid again yesterday, so where didi I go? Yep, Target. But what I found interesting was I kept looking at things I didn't really need, and though I can afford them now was not giving in and picking them up! Hah! How funny. I realized I don't really need all that crap, and in a way it was liberating.  These past few months I have also been "living without" a much bigger thing, my best friend and lover. This one I have not come to the conclusion was "unnecessary" but I have no choice but to be patient and wait for him to come back :( The good news is though it never really gets much easier without him, I'm learning to trust God in a new way and that feels really good. Sometimes I'll find myself anxious about it, but then God will remind me he loves me and has it all under control and it really does help me. I don't know what I'd do without hope in Christ!!!

I had a "Girl's Night" last night which was just so wonderful :) I have really been trying to deepen my friendships with my girlfriends so it felt so nice to just spend some quality time with a few of them last night.

Today I'm trying to trust God and find peace where I'm at, even though its not really where I want to be.  I had coffee with a girlfriend yesterday and she mentioned that maybe God was working on me and my relationship now so that marriage (if it happens with him, lord willing) will be a little easier and that really comforted me.  I know its going to be hard no matter what but in a way it is cool to work out some hard things beforehand and sort of prepare yourself...

Anyway I'm off to enjoy my Saturday!

Happy weekend everyone :)

Valleys

I hate to be a downer but its really truly unbelievable how many trials I've had in the past 3 months. First the break up that turned my world upside down, then my financial aid got cancelled and I only work part time so I've barely been surviving while trying to get through school, then my car broke down :( A friend mentioned they'd too been in a "Valley" and I hadn't thought of it like that until she said that, but that's exactly what I'm in. I know the Lord is drawing my closer to himself in all of it, and has been strengthening me, but its really hard to be in this place and I desperately want it to end   :( I want to learn and grow in deep ways in this time, and I suppose the one good thing is I feel I have been growing a ton and rediscovering who I am... But its hard to look at yourself, I mean take an honest look at who you are (the good AND bad) and where you're at.  Its uncomfortable, but I believe its the only way to truly change.  The thing is I normally have my best friend by my side during life's trials, which seems to make them more bearable, but now I do not. Gosh sorry to be so mellowdramatic!  But the sort of beauty in it all is I'm realizing God is the only one I should come to anyway so its ok if I feel alone in the world, He really is always there for me and all I need.

I recently helped prepare dinner at a shelter and it brought me SO much joy, so that's my plan is to give to others and to learn how to truly love.  I also want to tap into my creative side, because I feel so alive when I make things that are beautiful.

The good news is I know that God loves me and has a beautiful plan for my life, and I really want to learn to trust Him in this time that he will work everything out in the end.  Also I just found out I will get financial aid again this week which is a huge blessing! And I've been almost entirely cutting sugar and carbs from my diet and feel so much better its crazy! I actually feel less hungry, its strange!

Thanks for reading! I hope I was able to encourage you and didn't bring you down!!

~Sabrina

Springtime Blues

So Jan/Feb/March of this year and last have been just awful, I really mean it.  Mostly because not only was it cold dreary winter, but I had a broken heart :( This one feels different though because I think I realized he is the one for me, and I almost needed to lose him to know for sure for sure (as bad as it sounds). He's the wonderful guy I talked about in my last post, nearly a year ago... I stopped blogging because I was so happy and in love. So much has happened I don't even know where to begin, but basically I became critical of him and started doubting the beautiful love we had and it was tearing both of us up so something needed to change.  And he was strong and cut it off, but we are both hopeful to be able to have something even better down the road. And basically right after he broke it off I realized I had taken him for granted and might possibly lose the love of my life because of it :( The thing is I don't want to wait!! I'm ready to commit now for sure!! But he's needing time and space so I'm trying to give it to him and just trust God will lead him back to me if he's supposed to be mine :) Honestly though every day feels like a week and I deeply desire to just hold him again and have my best friend back!! I know it sounds sappy but I don't care, its how I feel. But for now I'm trying to just grow as a person and seek counsel and community.. Its super hard to be patient when I'm not a patient person though, haha!

Anyway I've taken up regular exercise and it feels great! And I'm really trying to cultivate closer girlfriends because in the past I had many but have noticed its not the same anymore.. Am I not a good friend anymore? Is it just harder the older you get? I'm searching this out, but I think its really important to have close girlfriends..

Ugh I just hit a big wall and need to sleep! I will write more later, I know you all are just sitting on the edge of your seat wondering what I'll blog next hahah!

Change of plans, for the better.

Well, I planned to leave Seattle in a about a month from today, but had a change of heart. It turns out to have been a really good choice, because it seems like everything has been falling into place since then (quite nicely ;).  

I realized I loved my job and that it may be nearly impossible to even find one in Portland.  And though Seattle is not where I ultimately hope to settle, its really nice for where I'm at. I have a couple good friends and a nice church and now just found a sweet roommate and place. So all in all I think it's pretty clear this is what God knew was best for me :)

Alllssoo, I met the most wonderful guy a few months ago and we couldn't be happier! His name is Matt and he's such a blessing in tons of ways.  It just feels right and peaceful and like he's my best friend. I'm so so happy! The only problem is he lives in Spokane :( But we know we can work out the details in time and feel no need to rush anything so that's nice. We are having so much fun getting to know each other!

That's about all for now, I am actually very tired so it was a poor time to write!

Thanks for reading :)

Portland.

So, I went to Portland last weekend. I intended to visit a few people, 2 of the most important people ended up not being there, which was ridiculously sad. I decided to make the most of it though! I visited with a friend that I actually met at a wedding last summer, and it was so fun to get to know her a bit more and find out she goes to Imago Dei (the church I'm interested in getting involved with). I also had dinner with an old friend from Alaska whom I hadn't seen in probably at least 4 years so that was fun. 

So overall the weekend was good but there were a few bad moments, including the first night. I had nothing to do, so my sister told me I could meet up with a friend of hers. I figured I may as well, since he was going to a house show which I'd never been to so I thought it might be a fun experience. First of all, he was nice but socially awkward and insanely quiet. Fine. But he brings me to a run down nasty house (I'm talking a party house) filled with socially awkward people who refuse to look at me or talk to me. Great.  So for about a half hour I'm trying to find anyone who looks my age and somewhat "normal" and met a few alright folks but they somehow vanished just as quickly as they arrived. There I was alone again in this pit of a place (so far from what I had in mind for this weekend by the way). Then comes the "show" which is basically slayer type music that blasts my ears off, totally my scene. I try to endure it but can only last a few short minutes before I decide to escape the music and find myself back in the living room with 3 teenagers rolling a joint. Fabulous! One says "you look bored," I smirk at him. Then a few minutes later he says "you wanna get in on this" (referring to the pot) I kindly decline and promptly get up and leave. That was the last straw.  I text the guy and tell him I'm ready to go. On the drive home I burst into tears because I had tried so hard to have a good attitude all day about my weekend falling through but this experience just made it all that more real that it was not what I was hoping for. All I wanted was to go to sleep, and so I did... and slept for 9 hours! Phew, what a night.

The next day I was pleasantly surprised by the sun (it was supposed to rain all weekend). I called up my sisters good friend ( a different guy) and we decided to tool around and explore Portland. I wanted to get a feel for the area since I'm moving there. We had so much fun, he is a really fun/funny guy. I felt much better. But we only hung out til the afternoon and  I had nothing to do the rest of the day. I searched for things going on around town but just didn't really find anything good to go alone to. So I got pretty discouraged and lonely. But I had this revelation that this weekend was turning out to be more of a retreat/ learning experience than anything so I spent some sweet time praying and reading devotionals and felt so much better. God really spoke to me in my time alone and I felt peace in the end. 

Then on Sunday I visited Imago Dei, which like I said I've been curious about. It was wonderful! It was so encouraging to end my weekend with the prospect of joining this neat place. My old friend Joe met me there and we had a delicious Portland brunch after which was just amazing :)

All in all I'm glad I went and I feel like I can see clearly how God is working in my life and challenging me to become the woman he created me to be. I'm so so excited for this new season of life on my own in Portland. I know God has great things in store :)

Decisions..

Well its been 3 months since my break up. I'm actually doing quite well. I also have some decisions to make with this new phase of life. I have wanted to move somewhere smaller for awhile now, even though Seattle is beautiful and has a lot to offer. I kept going back to the possibility of Portland and think I have decided to move there in June. I'm so excited! I really think it will be more my speed, smaller and more community oriented, not to mention cheaper! My sis currently lives there and we are considering living together for awhile, which should be fun since we've just recently gotten closer again :) So I picked up another part time job and will take a few classes and prepare to go! I really want to settle down somewhere so I'm hoping Portland is the place... I have a few friends there too which helps.

I also recently met someone. It is a long complicated story but basically it was a bit too soon for me and I freaked out a bit, but I am hopeful something can work out in the end :) Its crazy the things that come up when you are in a relationship. I feel like I'm so in tuned to myself and feelings then all the sudden out of now where I react some strange way! Anyway the thing about this guy is much different than anyone else I've ever dated so its fun and refreshing, and I've decided that if it doesn't go anywhere I want someone like him. It has been helpful to see other qualities and men, and realize that although Eric was sweet and I'm sure we would have been happy, there could be an even better fit out there.

Hmm what else...I've decided to get out and get busy, no sitting around sulking! So I joined a few dinner groups and am trying to serve with Union Gospel Mission. It feels good to get involved and live again.  I've also cut coffee out of my diet (with a few tiny exceptions) but I feel GREAT! I am way less anxious, its weird. I love coffee so much, but had an epiphany the other day that it is just worsening my anxiety. I'm still drinking a cup or two of black tea but I'm much more calm now, its amazing :)

Welp. that's about all for now!

Ta!